‘Crusty nuts causing ruckus on the M25 added insult to insipid Insulate protest’

After a lovely weekend away stomping over hills, eating organic, locally grown produce and helping look after some alpaca (in defence of my Cruella de Vil reputation, they lived on a vineyard), I was feeling very virtuous about my zero-carbon footprint.

The husband even drove back with the car in full-on green mode.

I mean, Emma Thompson eat your heart out, right?

Then we hit the M25.

Which had ­suddenly sprouted a collection of planet bothering pillocks who thought plonking their pampered middle-class, middle- aged, virtue-signalling backsides on the busiest road in the UK would save the world.

Cos, you know, CODE RED! We’re all going to die in 10 years! It’s an EMERGENCY!

Though at the same time, perversely, it’s also TOO LATE.

In which case, they’re even more pointless than most of us already think.

But common sense, along with soap and a hair brush, not their strong point.

This particular rent-a-mob were from something called Insulate Britain, an offshoot of Extinction Rebellion, and had blocked five junctions of the motorway for four hours.

They included an unemployed (I know, shocker that, isn’t it?) Unite union campaigner who loves Jeremy Corbyn possibly more than the planet.

Also a young woman who spent 16 days up a tree protesting about HS2 last September because she “cannot bear” the thought of her future children “battling food shortages and drought”.

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Though she seems to have forgotten the biggest threat to the planet is overpopulation and if she really wanted green brownie points she shouldn’t have kids in the first place. But, hey ho, that’s your pesky common sense again, isn’t it?

Any case, thousands of very angry and frustrated drivers ground to a halt. The privileged few with no need or desire to work stopping ­people who clearly did.

This naturally had the hoped for effect of spreading the message. We all immediately signed up and joined in…

Oh, no, sorry. I meant we sat, revving engines, pumping out clouds of poison, fetching climate destroying burgers from nearby services and guzzling plastic bottles of soft drinks.

Even worse the police simply stood watching the protesters’ blatant law breaking and the ensuing chaos without doing a damn thing.

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It was only when a few frustrated drivers tried to take matters into their own hands by hauling demonstrators away that law swung into action.

By forming a protective ring around the eco numpties. Kid you not.

At this point even the most mild-mannered amongst us were pondering whether running over protesters was worth a few years in nick or whether we could claim justifiable homicide.

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Still we all made some nice friends. And special shout out to the lads in the van stuck next to us who were, with delicious irony, on their way to, er, an insulation job.

Also commiserations to the poor lady who ended up missing a hospital appointment she’d waiting two years for.

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This pointless protest, which has totally the opposite effect to what climate change activists want, was finally halted when the police arrested 60 tarmac-hugging twonks and the road slowly started moving again, though the knock-on jams continued well into the afternoon.

Finally, though, I would just like to point out to any Insulate Britain numpties thinking about repeating this that you might want to reconsider the shiny hi-vis vests you all insist on wearing.

You know, the hi-vis vests made of plastic vinyl that’s a ­by-product of the petro-chemical ­industry you all claim to hate so
much… Yep, well done everybody!

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